Semi-convinced my mom has eating issues…well fuck. She did lose some weight and it has been a conversation topic at least a few times a day since they got here. Tonight my mom was like “I hope we don’t gain weight here! I already feel puffier” at dinner, which almost felt like a poke at me since I told her I gained weight here and of course she can see that for herself. Today I was trying on a leather jacket that was clearly not my size, but I really liked the cut. My dad was like “maybe you’ll lose weight and then it’ll fit.” Pretty much a suggestion that I should lose weight ughhhhhh.
Semi-convinced my mom has eating issues…well fuck. She did lose some weight and it has been a conversation topic at least a few times a day since they got here. Tonight my mom was like “I hope we don’t gain weight here! I already feel puffier” at dinner, which almost felt like a poke at me since I told her I gained weight here and of course she can see that for herself. Today I was trying on a leather jacket that was clearly not my size, but I really liked the cut. My dad was like “maybe you’ll lose weight and then it’ll fit.” Pretty much a suggestion that I should lose weight ughhhhhh.
I hate anons sometimes. I got a really shitty one on my other blog today and I didn’t have the energy to stick up for myself so I just deleted it. Something about how I’d talk about being fat but never did anything about it and now I talk about the car accident I was in. Well yeah, I’m gonna fucking talk about getting hit by a car! I’m not going to keep all that shit in to myself. I’m already freaking out whenever I see a taxi or hear an ambulance. I need to vent somewhere and if that place is on my blog, so be it.
Sidenote: tumblrbot suggested I follow my other blog…lol.
Having a really bad body image day. I stopped on the street to stare at a very reflective window and tried to convince myself that my vision is skewed, by let’s face it, it’s not. I’m over 10 pounds heavier and it shows and I’m going to get shit for it. I have so much crap to do before tomorrow and I’m freaking out.
Also I skipped breakfast today which I never ever do and only had half my sandwich because I can only eat with one hand and it was hard to do that. Isn’t that the lamest excuse ever for not eating enough?
I’m freaking out. Chain smoking too. Also running on 3 hour of sleep. Sighhhhh.
Wait sudden realization that my mom may have/had an ED. I never noticed because I was so preoccupied with myself but I think it’s possible? I remember seeing pictures of her like significantly bigger and she talked about losing weight for a good while and I’m suddenly remember her eating crackers with like turkey for every meal and oh my gosh there were so many times when she said she didn’t have time to eat lunch at work and would give it to the homeless man on the street…UHM HOLY SHIT this is big news. This would explain her competitiveness with me when I was like 20-30 lbs lighter than her…and why she would use a tape measure to measure my waist/hips and then compare the # to hers right in front of me and make fun me being only slightly smaller than her. Wow I’m shocked right now. I can’t believe I didn’t really see this before…
Is it possible for someone with an eating disorder to be trying to lose weight and it not being a bad thing? I’m not underweight anymore. I’m chubby. I wouldn’t look sick if I lost 15 pounds. I just don’t know how to go about it in a “healthy” way. I wouldn’t say I’m trying to recover right now but I’m also not nearly as bad as I used to be. I haven’t been restricting very much, which is “good” but I think that if I try to lose weight I will just slip back to old habits. I know that loosing weight will be much easier once I go home and can work out for 2+ hours (once I’m no longer injured) a day and have control over my diet. But I wasn’t very healthy then either. I had strict rules about when and what I could eat and how long I had to exercise and my OCD started playing into it too. I don’t know. I just need to lose 15 pounds and I don’t know how to approach that.
I can handle a lot of things, but talking to you about your eating disorder is not one of them. Especially when you weigh 30 pounds less than me and make me feel like I have failed completely at my own ED.
I’m almost out of food…and I don’t have money to buy food. My parents sent me an email saying shit like “shame on you, how can you look at yourself in the mirror, what are you doing with your life, we’re done with your bullshit and not going to finance your life” etc. Because I didn’t forward them an email right when they asked. So now I’m cut off. And of course, me being the idiot that I am, I’m sort of happy to have an excuse to not eat.
I’m dreading moving home. I just want to stay in Italy forever.
