My eating issues began when I was a sophomore in high school. My friend told me about how she was once “kind of anorexic” and that she still dieted by occasionally skipping meals. That was the first time I was introduced to that concept, and I began occasionally skipping lunch at school. That stopped the first time I got dizzy from not eating, because I got scared. The summer before my senior year, my mom told that I had huge thighs for someone my age. That wasn’t true, but I took it seriously. That’s where my body issues began. I really should have stood up for myself back then, because my mom began to talk to me like that much more often. My family went through a very hard time when I was a senior, so I suppose my mom took out her stress on me. She would call me fat and make comments about my body that caused me to hate myself. When senior year began, I could feel myself slipping back into my old habits. I started skipping lunch again and that turned into skipping dinner as well. I never really lost that much weight, because I would go back to periods of eating normally. I was always sick because my body wasn’t getting the nutrients it needed. I had about 8 colds in the span of one winter. Having two meals a day seemed like too much. Throughout this time, I was pretty much skinny fat, but I saw someone huge. I wanted to be 100 pounds. I never got down to that weight. Once I started acting at school, I started eating normally. I knew I’d need energy if I wanted to be in plays, since I would be even more sleep-deprived from rehearsals. So I made myself eat normally, or what seemed like normal anyway. Things got better, and I learned to ignore my mom’s comments.
Then college started. I suddenly had social anxiety and found it hard to make friends. I felt alone, sad, and depressed. My mom started making many more comments about my body and weight. I took all she said to heart. It made me crazy, hearing things like “you used to be so much skinnier two years ago,” when in reality, I had only gained 5 pounds in two years. I hated my body and myself.
When 2012 began, I didn’t even try to get better. My goals for the new year included eating less and losing more weight. A few weeks into January, I did a “one week free” deal at a gym. I had never been the athletic type before, and I never worked out much either. During that week, something changed. I felt so much happier than I had in months. Endorphins definitely had an effect on me, and I didn’t hate my body as much. So I joined the gym and started following a lot of fitspo blogs on tumblr, instead of all the thinspo ones that I had previously idolized. I began focusing on getting healthy and fit, rather than skinny. I still struggle with eating issues and self confidence, but I’m in a much better place than where I’ve been.
*update* - I started this blog 9 months ago with every intention of it being a fitness/recovery blog but it’s turned into a place for me to vent about my life and eating issues. Ever since summer I’ve been slipping back and I’m not quite sure where I stand right now. My mom has started making some comments again and I’ve been losing some weight but generally eating normally. I’ve been struggling with over exercising lately. That’s where I am right now and I hope things get better from here.