My journey to healthy

I hate anons sometimes. I got a really shitty one on my other blog today and I didn’t have the...

Wed, 15 May 2013 15:03:00 -0400

I hate anons sometimes. I got a really shitty one on my other blog today and I didn’t have the energy to stick up for myself so I just deleted it. Something about how I’d talk about being fat but never did anything about it and now I talk about the car accident I was in. Well yeah, I’m gonna fucking talk about getting hit by a car! I’m not going to keep all that shit in to myself. I’m already freaking out whenever I see a taxi or hear an ambulance. I need to vent somewhere and if that place is on my blog, so be it.

palewhiteflesh: Getting so fat omfg

Wed, 15 May 2013 15:00:21 -0400

palewhiteflesh:

Getting so fat omfg

Sidenote: tumblrbot suggested I follow my other blog…lol.

Wed, 15 May 2013 08:25:27 -0400

Sidenote: tumblrbot suggested I follow my other blog…lol.

Having a really bad body image day. I stopped on the street to stare at a very reflective window and...

Wed, 15 May 2013 08:23:46 -0400

Having a really bad body image day. I stopped on the street to stare at a very reflective window and tried to convince myself that my vision is skewed, by let’s face it, it’s not. I’m over 10 pounds heavier and it shows and I’m going to get shit for it. I have so much crap to do before tomorrow and I’m freaking out.

Also I skipped breakfast today which I never ever do and only had half my sandwich because I can only eat with one hand and it was hard to do that. Isn’t that the lamest excuse ever for not eating enough?

I’m freaking out. Chain smoking too. Also running on 3 hour of sleep. Sighhhhh.

Wait sudden realization that my mom may have/had an ED. I never noticed because I was so preoccupied...

Tue, 14 May 2013 19:55:38 -0400

Wait sudden realization that my mom may have/had an ED. I never noticed because I was so preoccupied with myself but I think it’s possible? I remember seeing pictures of her like significantly bigger and she talked about losing weight for a good while and I’m suddenly remember her eating crackers with like turkey for every meal and oh my gosh there were so many times when she said she didn’t have time to eat lunch at work and would give it to the homeless man on the street…UHM HOLY SHIT this is big news. This would explain her competitiveness with me when I was like 20-30 lbs lighter than her…and why she would use a tape measure to measure my waist/hips and then compare the # to hers right in front of me and make fun me being only slightly smaller than her. Wow I’m shocked right now. I can’t believe I didn’t really see this before…

Is it possible for someone with an eating disorder to be trying to lose weight and it not being a...

Tue, 14 May 2013 16:46:21 -0400

Is it possible for someone with an eating disorder to be trying to lose weight and it not being a bad thing? I’m not underweight anymore. I’m chubby. I wouldn’t look sick if I lost 15 pounds. I just don’t know how to go about it in a “healthy” way. I wouldn’t say I’m trying to recover right now but I’m also not nearly as bad as I used to be. I haven’t been restricting very much, which is “good” but I think that if I try to lose weight I will just slip back to old habits. I know that loosing weight will be much easier once I go home and can work out for 2+ hours (once I’m no longer injured) a day and have control over my diet. But I wasn’t very healthy then either. I had strict rules about when and what I could eat and how long I had to exercise and my OCD started playing into it too. I don’t know. I just need to lose 15 pounds and I don’t know how to approach that.

I can handle a lot of things, but talking to you about your eating disorder is not one of them....

Fri, 10 May 2013 09:26:01 -0400

I can handle a lot of things, but talking to you about your eating disorder is not one of them. Especially when you weigh 30 pounds less than me and make me feel like I have failed completely at my own ED.

I’m almost out of food…and I don’t have money to buy food. My parents sent me an email saying shit...

Wed, 08 May 2013 06:23:06 -0400

I’m almost out of food…and I don’t have money to buy food. My parents sent me an email saying shit like “shame on you, how can you look at yourself in the mirror, what are you doing with your life, we’re done with your bullshit and not going to finance your life” etc. Because I didn’t forward them an email right when they asked. So now I’m cut off. And of course, me being the idiot that I am, I’m sort of happy to have an excuse to not eat.
I’m dreading moving home. I just want to stay in Italy forever.

I always thought that when I got fat enough to lose my thigh gap, I’d kill myself. And yet...

Tue, 07 May 2013 16:44:05 -0400

I always thought that when I got fat enough to lose my thigh gap, I’d kill myself. And yet here I am. Finally fucking fat enough.

I never thought so much of my life and thoughts would revolve around weight. I feel such hatred for myself. I weigh almost as much as my mom and she is 3 inches taller. Therefore, I am bigger than her. That terrifies me. I hate myself so much. If I weren’t going out in 20 minutes, I would be sobbing and probably shoving my finger down my throat.

When did I become this person?

I’m almost out of food…and I don’t have money to buy food. My parents sent me an...

Tue, 07 May 2013 14:34:00 -0400

I’m dreading moving home. I just want to stay in Italy forever.

"I can bear any pain as long as it has meaning."

Sun, 05 May 2013 21:58:47 -0400

“I can bear any pain as long as it has meaning.”

- Haruki Murakami, IQ84 (via eonianlife)

This weekend led to me telling my friend about my eating issues while high, and then eating a ton of...

Sun, 05 May 2013 21:56:13 -0400

This weekend led to me telling my friend about my eating issues while high, and then eating a ton of food because I was high. Oh, the irony. I just want to be normal around food, but I want to lose 15 lbs first. What else is new…

66904) To be honest, I've gained more weight from this unending starve-binge cycle than I would have if I had continued eating normally. So why can't I stop?

Sun, 05 May 2013 18:31:30 -0400

allmymetaphors: i’m getting back into the comic game because i...

Sun, 05 May 2013 18:31:20 -0400

allmymetaphors:

i’m getting back into the comic game because i don’t know what to do with my emotions okay whatever

I’m high so I kind of told my friend about my disordered habits. I shouldn’t have said...

Thu, 02 May 2013 15:52:32 -0400

I’m high so I kind of told my friend about my disordered habits. I shouldn’t have said that at home I would weigh myself 5 times a day because she got all worried ugh.

Does weed really speed up your metabolism? I’m so scared I’ll get the munchies this...

Wed, 01 May 2013 18:30:49 -0400

Does weed really speed up your metabolism? I’m so scared I’ll get the munchies this weekend and eat everything and gain more weight. I know the simple answer to that is just don’t smoke..meh.

I’m tired of the stigma associated with mental health....

Wed, 01 May 2013 12:00:00 -0400

I’m tired of the stigma associated with mental health. I’ve been dealing with OCD, eating disorders, depression, anxiety disorders, and self harm for years, some longer than others. My dad’s depression and alcoholism was always sometime my parents tried to hide. They were very secretive about it and seemed ashamed, so I grew up feeling that way too. Therapy and psychologists and medication seemed like things to be ashamed of too, which is why I refuse to do any of those to this day.

I first began having symptoms of OCD in fourth grade, and I kept it to myself for years. My parents noticed, but just dubbed it as the “weird things” I did. They sometimes made fun of me for it, which made me more self conscious and unwilling to tell anyone. I told my boyfriend about it 3 years into our relationship. His response was “well of course I know you have OCD,” so I guess I’m not as good at hiding it as I thought. Luckily, he doesn’t think any differently of me for it, because it’s part of who I am. Last year, my parents found the essay I wrote for my psych class about my OCD. It was the first time I was so honest with someone I barely knew, because I knew my TA wouldn’t care enough to judge me for it. My parents sat me down and talked about it, but I was too ashamed and mad that they had read it without my knowledge to even have a real conversation about it.

My mom found out about my self harming months after I stopped. The extent of that conversation was her saying “I know you cut” and me saying “I don’t” and her saying “well, I know you used to.” So glad we talked about that…

One of the good friends I’ve made abroad deals with many of the same issues as me. Except that she deals with them a little differently. She’s gone to therapy, she takes meds for OCD, and her symptoms are almost nonexistent thanks to that. It’s been kind of amazing being able to talk to someone about these things without fear of judgement or them thinking I’m crazy. Sometimes I wish I could just be brave and go talk to someone and fix myself for once. But I’m too fucking ashamed and embarrassed. Some may say I’ve been strong for dealing with these things for years on my own, but I think I’m weak.

Also, not gonna lie, thought about throwing myself off the bridge today

Tue, 30 Apr 2013 09:27:37 -0400

~~Also, not gonna lie, thought about throwing myself off the bridge today~~

I’m happy I made this blog over a year ago. It’s my own little place to vent when I need...

Tue, 30 Apr 2013 09:10:50 -0400

I’m happy I made this blog over a year ago. It’s my own little place to vent when I need to…I have just over 30 followers on here which compared to the 1645 I have on my other blog is so little, but I prefer that. I have too many people that know me in real life following my other blog. And possibly my parents. So the things I can post on there are limited.

On that note, my parents just called to tell me that me getting 90’s isn’t acceptable. Sorry I don’t fucking speak Italian.

66624) I just wish I could stop fucking eating.

Mon, 29 Apr 2013 20:18:02 -0400